bloom.

I chose this title because it's the song that made me fall in love with Radiohead all over again, what am I saying? I could never forget about them. lets face it. . . I haven't posted anything on here in a long, long time. Allot has happened....I had a baby, that's huge!! And I'm not going to lie, it's hard. It is REALLY hard being a mom. I have somehow become a very patient person, you kinda have to when you have a baby screaming in your face for the better part of the day. Aurick is a colicky baby and it sucks. colicky babies seem to cry for no reason, they cannot be comforted by ANYTHING. The real reason behind it is an upset stomach which can be cured by breastfeeding but I for some reason NEVER got any milk, my child was starving and I had to give him something and that something turned out to be formula. That broke my heart. I had been looking forward to bonding with my child in a way that can't be recreated. I tried everything, all the herbs you can think of. An all oat and tea diet. . meditation. . warm baths . . laying in bed naked with him. . massage. . . and anything else anyone at all would recommend. I had to learn to get over that although I do secretly blame myself every time he is upset from the colic. Put all of  that to the side. I love being Auricks mommy. I have taken over this roll in life and it feels like home. Feels amazing. I still have a hard time sometimes with trying to fit into things like my life now and  my life in the past, but I'm doing a good job with balancing everything. . . Or so I think.

The great pumpkin

Can I say that I am so glad 30 Rock is back on?  I know I know it's only a television show but it's so amazing!

I guess with that being said you now know I have no life. . . nope, im just sitting here growing something inside me. think about it.

My pa comes home tomorrow which is weird because they found 2 blood clots in his brain, wouldn't that make it risky to fly? I thought so. . .
Hmm. . . My dreams have been so weird lately, I dream that I am awake doing things when really I am snuggled into my bed, gotta watch out for that.

I hope I get to go Trick or Treating this year, I can be a pumpkin, im already round enough! ha!
Also, I want the book the Fall buy Guillermo Del Toro because he can write some scary stuff and I think books are WAY more scarier than movies I mean the book the shining scared the shit out of me but the movie not so much.

yep yep. looks like I have no more to write. Oh! Ross! lets send post cards? I have some weird ones. .

Quantum leap

As the days go by. . .

So it's about to snow and like usual I am excited for this, the first snow always reminds me of washing away everything bad. Start clean fresh and new. I have nothing to complain about these days except I am oh so lonely, turns out the friends I thought I had are no longer around, once you are knocked up no one wants to hang out with you! such a drag. .
 I can remember when all I needed was an old opiate friend, a reminder that I was not alone. Turns out I was fooled, in a haze, caught up in the fun??
No, I am not alone, I have Aurick here with me. Even if things go bad with JD and I there will always be little Ari and I.
I miss Danielle like crazy though, she could make me smile through anything. I miss Ross ALLOT those are probably the only two I think I will always miss and love, others seemed so fake.Now I'm not saying that I don't love or miss anyone else, I can just feel the longing for them in my bones. .
You think Helena is bad for me? it probably is...
Oh! I am 34 weeks along now! not long till I make the mommy leap! weird!!!!!
Alright, time for bed.

The future hangs over our heads. .

Back from the hospital. . .
Turns out he had a blood clot  in the right artery in the side of his neck that got pushed up int the nerves in the back of his right eye, creating the blurred vision which may or may not come back, if it does it will be around a year. It's still pretty serious because it could happen again and the next time it might not go to his eye  but to his brain.  So pretty much he had a stroke of the eye, weird! But oh so glad that he is alive and we know how and what to fix now.

Other than that, life is good. Went to the Dr today, gained a pound. Baby is  about 5 pounds now so he's doin good. . 


Yep...going to eat some cereal. yummmmmy

Blackout

Stressful times always make me want to fall back on something, That happens to everyone right?
My father is in the hospital again. I admit that he too has been through some rough times but he has been sober from everything for over a year now and all he wants to do is love his grandchildren. About a month ago he was in the hospital for  pneumonia but we didn't know that, he was in isolation for a long time until they could find out what was wrong with him. It was a relief to find out it wasn't as big as we thought. Since then he hasn't felt good, tired all the time, can't stay awake, like he was on drugs again. Two days ago it got allot worse, he couldn't even move! and then his right eye went blurry, back to the hospital we went. Once again they don't know what is wrong with him, he just got done with an MRI today, we have to wait for the Dr to give us the results. It could be several things, a stroke, a blood clot, swelling in his brain or, cancer. None of these are good, all of these will make him loos his job.

I sat and watched my father break down and cry telling me "I am not done with my life, there is so much I want to do! I haven't even seen my grandson yet, what if I don't even get to hold him?"  this made me break down as well. My dad has only cried 3 times before, in front of me. He's right, he has so much to do, I need him here, I need him to teach my son things only his grandfather can teach him.

This scare also makes me want to stay as healthy as possible. I need to be here for my child. I need to stay sober, I need to keep weight off, blood pressure down, exercise often, eat only healthy things. All of this ((except the weight)) my pregnancy has forced me to do, I just need to keep it up.

I can't think too long about what is going to happen to my dad. I just can't think about it.

So please, pray, meditate, whatever it is that you do or believe in, please ask for help for my father. I need this.

Fall is here.

Where do I begin?

I don't even recognize myself anymore, at least this time it's a good thing. I have been so many different people of the years! Seriously. . None of those people would I ever want to remember, yea I supposed it's whats shaped me into the person I am today, but I would like my past to be a big black hole, I do however want to always remember the people who got me through it all, I will always love my friends.

And now. . .Now I am going to be a mommy, I am 33 weeks pregnant and trying my hardest to be a better person. This terrifies me, I am NOT a good person so how am I supposed to teach values and morals to this precious little boy ((his name is Aurick Dochterman)) I am so afraid I am going to screw this up. Nothing like a life growing inside you to give you nightmares, right? Don't get me wrong, I am also very, very excited! And I have a great man cheering me on, telling me that I am already a great mother. I can never believe what people tell me though. . .


Well that's all for now.

Oh yeah! and it seems like fall IS here, the best time of the year!!